User talk:John Dehner
Story deletion Your story has been deleted because it shows excessive use of clichés, or it follow a storyline that makes it generic, compared to other pastas. Please revise your story accordingly and pass the new version through the Writer's Workshop or Deletion Appeal, to see it back in the wiki. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REUPLOAD YOUR PASTA. If you upload it again without any major changes, you'll receive a 1-day ban from editing, as per the rules. Read for further details on how you can improve your story/stories to make them meet our quality standards. He's not the Messiah! He's a very naughty boy! 06:59, January 27, 2015 (UTC) Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Satan's Sam The Patriotic clown page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! LOLSKELETONS (talk) 14:24, January 27, 2015 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 01:54, February 6, 2015 (UTC) Re: Story First and foremost, refrain from starting so many sentences with conjunctions. (but, and, because) it gives the story a choppy/uneven feel. Punctuation issues: commas missing where needed. "Everybody came(,) James was making hamburgers and hotdogs on the grill(./,) I brought out all the cold food and beverages.", "As I was talking to one of our friends(,) I started to feel like I was being watched.", "Once I heard him in the kitchen(,) I turned around to tell him what I saw but it wasn’t him(,) it was the creepy clown. ", etc. Try reading your story aloud and seeing where pauses come naturally and that is generally where some form of punctuation is needed. Wording issues: "All the windows where (were) covered(,) the only light was the fire place right next to it sat an axe.", "Then took his flags out of the back of his vest at the bottom end of the flag where (were) sharpened..." (A fragmented sentence as well), " heard the rope brake. (break)" Grammar: apostrophes missing from words denoting possession. "James(') tongue", "James(') mouth", "James(') chest", "James(') heart.", "James(') lungs", "James(') ribs", etc. Story issues: The clown's appearance comes off as random. He just appears in the woods at a party without any preamble or build-up and there seems to be no major cry of alarm at a random clown wandering the woods. Additionally there isn't any real sense of tension or suspense. A clown just appears, murders husband, leaves heart. To tell a story effectively, there needs to be more build-up and a creepiness factor. As it stands, the story has a number of issues that need to be resolved and re-worked which is why I deleted it for not being up to this site's quality standards. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:28, February 7, 2015 (UTC) :No problem, might I suggest taking your next story to the writer's workshop before uploading? They are very good at catching story/grammatical issues and it allows for your stories to receive some feedback. (I use it myself with my stories. One of which was just nominated for PotM due to the feedback and help I received.) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:20, February 7, 2015 (UTC)